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Why Montessori takes a different approach to turn-taking, patience, and respect
Two children are playing in the living room. One has spent the last twenty minutes carefully building a tower of blocks. The other walks over, reaches for the blocks, and says, "I want those!" The first child pulls them closer and protests, "No! I'm using them!" An adult steps in with the words almost every parent has said at some point: "You need to share." The builder, close to tears, answers, "But I'm not finished!"
Who is right? Most of us assume the answer is obvious. Children should share, and of course we want them to grow into generous people. But there's another question worth asking: does learning to share really mean giving up whatever you're using the moment someone else wants it? Montessori offers a thoughtful alternative, and understanding it can make life easier at home, especially when siblings and friends want the same things.
Respecting the Child Who Is Working
In a Montessori classroom, children are free to choose any material they have been shown how to use, and they may keep working with it for as long as they are using it purposefully. Most classrooms have only one of each material, by design. If a child is building the Pink Tower, another child cannot simply take it away. The second child waits until the first has finished and returned the material to its place on the shelf.
This can surprise parents who are used to insisting that children share right away. But consider what the first child is actually doing. They are concentrating, making decisions, coordinating their movements, solving problems, and often repeating an activity because they are working to master something. Montessori observed that this kind of deep concentration is one of the most important things a young child can experience, and that it is easily broken.
Interrupting that work simply because someone else wants the material sends a confusing message: that another person's wishes automatically outweigh your own meaningful activity. Montessori takes a different position. Your work deserves respect, and so does everyone else's.
Concentration grows when children can stay with meaningful work.
Waiting Is an Important Skill
Now consider the child who wants the material. They may want it very badly, but someone else is using it. Rather than taking it, they have several respectful choices:
- Wait until the material is available
- Choose a different activity in the meantime
- Watch quietly, if the working child is comfortable with that
- Ask the other child to let them know when they are finished
This isn't a punishment. It's an opportunity to develop patience and to recognize that other people have rights too. The ability to wait doesn't appear overnight. Young children need practice, gentle support, and realistic expectations from adults. But over time, they learn that wanting something doesn't entitle them to take it right away, and that their own turn will come.
Generosity Is Not the Same as Surrender
Imagine you are reading a book and someone walks over and says, "I want that book." Would it seem reasonable for another adult to tell you to hand it over immediately because sharing is important? Probably not. You would more likely say, "Of course, you can have it when I'm finished," and most people would consider that a perfectly kind and respectful answer.
Children deserve the same consideration. When we require them to give up what they're using the instant someone asks, we may be teaching compliance rather than generosity. Genuine generosity means choosing to give, help, or make room for another person, and it grows most naturally in children who have experienced respect themselves.
Sharing at Home
Home is different from a Montessori classroom. Children have personal possessions, shared family toys, and things that belong to their brothers and sisters, and those distinctions matter. A treasured stuffed animal may belong to one child alone. A set of blocks may belong to the whole family. A new birthday present may be something a child isn't ready to let visitors use yet.
Rather than assuming that every toy must be available to everyone, it helps to make expectations clear ahead of time. Before friends come over, you might ask, "Are there any special things you'd like to put away?" Then explain which toys will be out for everyone to use. This respects your child's ownership while avoiding conflicts before they start.
When Two Children Want the Same Thing
Suppose both children want the same truck, and one is already playing with it. You might say, "Alex is using the truck right now. You can have a turn when Alex is finished." If the waiting child is upset, acknowledge the feeling without rushing to fix it: "You really wanted the truck. Waiting is hard." Then help them find something else to do while they wait. There's no need to make the first child give up the truck.
A calm conversation can help children work toward a fair solution.
Some situations do call for more structure. If a child holds onto a shared toy for an unreasonably long time, or uses possession as a way to keep others out, an adult may need to step in and help the children reach a fair agreement. The point isn't to create a rule that whoever grabs something first can keep it forever. It's to distinguish between a child who is genuinely engaged with something and a child who is simply controlling access to it.
What About Taking Turns?
Taking turns is useful in many situations, including board games, swings, shared equipment, and group activities. A timer can help, especially when the children have agreed on a time limit beforehand. But timers shouldn't become the automatic answer to every disagreement. Imagine being told to stop painting halfway through a picture because your ten minutes are up. Sometimes finishing an activity matters more than dividing time into equal portions. The right approach depends on the children's ages, the activity, and the situation.
Teaching the Language of Courtesy
Children need words to use instead of grabbing. A child who wants something can learn to say:
- "May I use that when you're finished?"
- "Will you tell me when it's my turn?"
- "Would you like to build together?"
- "May I watch?"
And the child who is using it can learn to answer:
- "I'm still working on it."
- "You can have it when I'm done."
- "I'd like to finish this first."
These phrases are simple, but they give children a respectful way through moments that would otherwise end in tears or tug-of-war. In Montessori classrooms, Grace and Courtesy lessons let children practice this language through short role-plays during calm moments, before any conflict arises. Families can do the same at home, perhaps acting out the scene with stuffed animals or taking turns playing each part.
Children Don't Always Have to Play Together
Sharing a toy is not the same as sharing an activity. Sometimes children want to work together, and sometimes they don't. A child absorbed in building something alone may not want anyone to join in. That doesn't mean they're being unfriendly; they may simply be deeply involved in an idea of their own. Respecting another person's wish to work alone is a social skill too, and children can learn that friendship doesn't require being together every minute.
Nurturing Real Generosity
We all want our children to become generous people. That quality grows best through experience and example rather than instruction alone. You can encourage it when you:
- Let your children see you share and help others
- Invite them to help prepare food or a gift for someone else
- Encourage them to help when a younger child is struggling
- Quietly notice when they show kindness on their own
Try not to turn every act of generosity into a performance for adult praise. When children help because it feels good and right, rather than because an adult is watching, generosity becomes part of who they are. The goal isn't to raise children who hand things over when told to. It's to raise children who genuinely care about other people.
A More Respectful Approach
The next time your child refuses to hand over something they're using, resist the urge to assume they're being selfish. Instead, take a moment to consider what's really happening:
- Is my child concentrating on meaningful work?
- Does this belong to my child, or is it shared?
- Has the other child already had a fair chance to use it?
- Is someone waiting, and for how long?
- What would be fair and respectful to both children?
Sometimes the right response is to encourage sharing. Sometimes it's to support a child in waiting. And sometimes it's to help the children work out a solution together. Respecting children's work and belongings doesn't undermine generosity. It builds the mutual respect from which genuine generosity grows.
