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SPORTSMANSHIP IS SOCIAL EMOTIONAL LEARNING

SPORTSMANSHIP IS SOCIAL EMOTIONAL LEARNING

DECISION MAKING

The mantra “be fun to play with; be fun to play against” still works with upper elementary (9-12-year-olds), even though they are older and more mature. Their conflicts can be more complicated, and we need more than the mantra to solve some disagreements. A typical example is when one student criticizes another student who was distracted or not paying attention, causing a missed play or mistake. The criticizer wants them to pay attention and play better, which makes sense. A distracted teammate is not fun. However, the student being criticized usually does not like the criticism, and may not want to play anymore. The student criticizing a teammate is not being fun to play with either. Each point of view is valid, so how do we approach a topic like this?

Suppose the students cannot handle the disagreement in the moment and need a teacher mediator. In that case, I will ask a straightforward question to the student who is being portrayed as the aggressor.

“What was the intended outcome?”

Another way to ask this question is, “What did you want to happen?”

These questions get to the source of the conflict. The motivations and intentions of the students become apparent. We can have a logical conversation about the choices and consequences made, and emotions can be identified and expressed. Enhanced empathy allows both to reach a satisfactory compromise.

Let’s take a deeper look at the motivations of the criticizer. After I ask what they want to happen, they answer that they want the other student to pay attention.

Logically, this would probably improve the teammate’s performance, thereby improving the whole team’s performance. However, in this case, the criticism leads to the other player shutting down and not wanting to play anymore. They feel embarrassed and sad, so their performance suffers.

This is the opposite of what the criticizer wanted, but that is what commonly happens.

Additionally, the criticized student will have negative feelings toward their teammate, which may last far longer than that day.

This could lead to poor performance in the future or not wanting to play with this student at all (analyzing situations).

If we can help the criticizer understand the situation, we can help them to conclude that public criticism may not be the best course of action anymore.

It didn’t get the desired result; it worsened the situation. It hurt their teammate’s feelings, and hurt feelings take time to heal.

We can now explore alternate solutions with the criticizer, because we know criticism in this scenario didn’t work. We can ‘game plan’ with new solutions if this scenario happens again. For example, the student could privately remind the student to pay attention next time (goal setting).

BE FUN TO PLAY WITH; BE FUN TO PLAY AGAINST.

The student who wasn’t paying attention is not off the hook. We know that distracted teammates are not fun to play with, so we need to find out how (or why) they were distracted. Maybe it was a simple accident or mistake, so we know they will try harder next time, and it is as simple as that. Perhaps, they were talking to a friend and had been ignoring their responsibilities as a good teammate. Maybe this was not the first time this player has made a mistake in this game, and, they have made lots of errors due to an ongoing conversation with someone else. We need this context to analyze the situation truly.

There is a good chance that the criticizer did their best to manage their emotions, but after too many errors from the distracted player, they had had enough. It can be very frustrating when a teammate is not trying their best, especially when the other players put in maximum effort.

We expect everyone on our team to put forth the same effort we are, and when that expectation is not met, we can get upset. So, we need to remind the distracted player that to be a good teammate, they need to focus and put forth a good effort, which makes it fun to play with them.

We can only expect our teammates to do their best, knowing they will make mistakes. If the distracted student just made a simple mistake, we want to equip them with language that will help them acknowledge their mistake, and they will try harder next time.

This will build resilience and self-confidence because criticism in the future will be met with a plan of action, and they will not take it personally.

This communication with the teammate will prove they are actively listening and show that they are a good teammate.

With amped-up feelings and the game’s intensity, students are not ready to have this conversation immediately. We usually need time to have a mediation or peace talk.

However, if the behavior is not an isolated incident to those specific students, and it is something I am observing happening with several class members, I have no problem stopping the whole game and having this conversation with the entire class.

I need to fight my impulses to let things slide and continue the game to get maximum playing time at the expense of how the children are treating each other. We want the students to know that how they treat each other is as important as the game itself.

So, what do we do with our mature upper elementary and middle school students? Is there a way to promote sportsmanship past the definition they learned half a lifetime ago (be fun to play with, be fun to play against)? While it still applies, it’s simplistic, and we need something new to deal with the coming reality that they will be leaving the school soon.

They will be high schoolers, college students, and so on. They are at an age when they can truly perceive the future. We want them to be able to put things in perspective to guide their decisions. We must employ Social and Emotional Learning skills. For this age group, we have a new mantra: “Value the long term over the short term.”

From a strict sports perspective, we must strive for success in achieving the ultimate goal: a championship. We do this by creating smaller goals to achieve in practice and games, which serve to achieve the ultimate goal. For example, a team works on passing in practice sessions, which reduces turnovers in a game, and gives them a better chance of winning a championship because now they will turn the ball over less than their opponent.

Valuing the long term and the short term easily applies to life. The goal of each day is to make it better than yesterday in whatever you are trying to achieve. Continually achieving little goals accumulates into the achievement of a bigger goal. We want to achieve many big goals in our lifetime, but they happen through small incremental improvements.

What about luck? I have heard luck described as “when timing meets opportunity,” but there is an underlying fact that the person also needs to be capable. They made themselves capable through their work, whether they knew it or not. There was no way I could have predicted the combination of all the skills I would need to be where I am today. However, because I have those skills, through years of practice, I find myself in the position I am in, and I feel grateful for how things have turned out so far. When students ask, “Why do I have to learn this; I will never use it?” one of the answers is they might use it, but there is no way of us knowing for sure. As educators, we are trying to give them the potential for as many options as possible. There is no way we, or they, can predict how their life will unfold.

VALUE THE LONG TERM OVER THE SHORT TERM

Valuing the long term over the short term reminds me of a Swahili saying that my dad taught me. Before I get to that, if you are wondering, “Why does Nick’s dad know Swahili?” He was an associate professor of Swahili and African literature at Northwestern University

for over thirty years. I owe a lot of my analytic and critical thinking skills to his ability to let me ramble on and on as a child, and then he would ask key questions that forced me to reevaluate my position. My mother was a Montessori toddler teacher for over thirty years as well. The apple did not fall too far from the tree in that regard. Contrary to what many people assume about Montessori teachers of young children (they are all hippies), she showed me (and her students) a love of discipline. She also had intense powers of observation, and she consistently revealed character traits of a toddler that forecasted the adult they would become to their parents.

Let’s get back to the Swahili proverb. It is: haba na haba hujaza kibaba. The literal translation is, “little by little, the container gets filled.” This is a beautiful metaphor for how a long-term goal is accomplished.

When I talk to the students about valuing the long term over the short term in our Physical Education (PE) class, we talk about maintaining relationships (relationship skills). In PE, no one day or game is worth the cost of a friendship.

While winning a game is nice, that is not the goal. The point of physical education class is to learn through playing, practice sportsmanship, and get the exercise that facilitates gross and fine-motor movement patterns.

Some games have winners; others don’t, but winning is not, nor will it ever be the ultimate goal. Therefore, if someone values a game’s outcome more highly than a peer’s relationship, they are making a terrible mistake.

When we talk about valuing the long term over the short term regarding a team sport; maintaining relationships is still paramount, but the season’s outcome also bears some weight. It is possible to have a successful season and lose every game, but it takes a lot of subjective explanation to define the successes.

Winning a game, or especially winning a championship, is a more objective measure of the season’s success.

However, a winning season can be a failure if things were done to win a championship that ruins the players’ desire to continue playing in the future.

A coach can be successful on paper, but it can also be a failure of a coach on the human level if they break their players’ spirit and kill their motivation to play. Becoming the villain that your own team must overcome by banding together against you is a poor way to find success.

Winning a championship is the objective long-term success marker, and a game is a short-term goal.

Doing the little things in practice continues to add up, and our growth as players makes us more prepared for the game.

Playing game after game against different opponents teaches us more about ourselves than the opponent. It shows us what we must do to continue to get better, especially when the competition is close. As the team continues to improve, they put themselves in a better position to win a championship.

Not only do individual performances need to improve over the season, but also the team’s performance. Team performance is closely tied to how much trust the players have in each other and the coach.

Overly harsh words, resentment, envy, and other things that break trust erode the team’s fabric from the inside, and rarely does this team have long-term success.

An insult in practice bleeds over to the degraded performance in a game, and a lost game that was pivotal for the playoffs could be the difference in seeding for a championship run. Conversely, encouraging a player who failed in the moment shows that trust is still there, and that player feels secure that they can still contribute to the team in the future.

When we think of the Social and Emotional Learning toolbox, valuing the long term over the short term utilizes all the skills of decision making; identifying and solving problems; analyzing the situation; setting goals; and developing leadership skills. This is why team sports in school are held in such high esteem.

Whether adults realize it or not, the social and emotional skills that good team sports practice mimics how they will have to be used in real life.

As individuals, we are simultaneously the coach and the athlete of our own lives. We must strategize and make goals like a coach, and we must put those plans into action as players.

Another term that gets thrown around is “executive functioning,” which is something Montessori schools seem to be especially good at teaching. It is the ability to make plans and act on them.

We love sports because it is the idealized version of how life should be. Rules are fair, and they apply to everyone equally. The daily grind that produces results over time is a microcosm of what it takes to achieve greatness in life.

We celebrate those who are good at sports, but we especially value those who are also good at sportsmanship. Someone who is a good sport understands universal truths about being a good person. If sport is life, then sportsmanship is the way to live a good life. •

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Nicolas Lepine is the athletic director, physical education instructor, and sports coach for Rogers Park Montessori School in Chicago, IL. Before working as an athletic director and physical education teacher, he was in the Montessori upper elementary classroom for over a decade. He has a B.S.in exercise physiology from the University of Illinois and a Master’s in Montessori Education from St. Catherine’s University, where he completed his AMS Elementary One and Two certificates. This unique combination of skills allowed him to create Montessori Physical Education, which is a curriculum that integrates the Montessori classroom curriculum with physical education games. You can find his website at MontessoriPhysicalEducation.com, where you can learn more about how PE games can teach Montessori concepts, a free resources section, and links to the weekly blog and store.

Setting Limits

Setting Limits

Montessori Mom, Guide, & Entrepreneur

Montessori Mom, Guide, & Entrepreneur

My journey through the Montessori world has been full of serendipitous turns. At times, they have been surprising, at times difficult, even painful, but mostly they have been what I needed to find the path to a career I love and cherish. Starting as a Montessori mom with my oldest daughter (now thirteen), then choosing to become a Montessori guide myself, and ending with discovering I can contribute to this wonderful method with material I was able to create and develop from observing the amazing children in my classroom. It has been a fun ride, one that I feel deeply humbled to have the opportunity to share with you all.

I first walked into a Montessori classroom about seven years ago. I was looking for a school for my then five-year-old daughter, and, although I didn’t know much about Montessori at the time, I knew there was something special about the little Montessori school that had just opened close to our home. As a bilingual household, I wanted a place for my daughter where her bilingualism would be celebrated and admired, not seen as an impediment to her learning. To my delight, the Montessori Method, along with a wonderful and experienced teacher, did not disappoint. She was cherished and made to feel that being from a different culture and speaking a different language made her special.

Throughout her first year, I was fortunate to volunteer as a Spanish teacher, which led me to observe how things worked in a Montessori classroom. With the help of my daughter’s wonderful guide, who later became my mentor, I began to fall in love with the Method.

Two years later, my life took an unexpected turn, leading me to return to work. I looked into the possibility of becoming a Montessori guide. The owner of my daughter’s Montessori school recommended the Center for Guided Montessori Studies program. It was a rigorous 18-month program, and the prospect of returning to school after so many years was daunting, but I took the chance, got accepted, and started the program in October 2016.

It was a wonderful program that allowed me to prepare myself to start my new path as an early childhood Montessori guide. In August of 2018, I found myself as the lead guide of my classroom.

I know when I have prepared an art space for independence, children can flow in and out of creative moments without me having to facilitate each activity.

It was an amazing, terrifying, difficult, and beautiful year. I learned a lot about myself during this time, but most importantly, I knew very deep within me that I had found that I loved being in the classroom. I had found something I want to be a part of for many years to come.

During my second year as a lead guide, I had a couple of children who were, for lack of a better word, obsessed with dinosaurs.

Most children love dinosaurs, but these two little ones lived and breathed dinosaurs! From memorizing all their names and facts to refusing to wear clothing that did not have some kind of dinosaur print, their love and energy for these ancient giant creatures were inspiring.

Naturally, I began to collect material to build a dinosaur unit to add to our cosmic area. However, there was one material that I wanted to include but could not find anywhere, at least not anything that satisfied my notion of what this material should be like to fit a Montessori classroom properly. That material was dinosaur puzzles.

I wanted to find puzzles that closely resembled the traditional Montessori animal puzzles found in the classroom. These puzzles commonly highlight the parts of a tree, flower, leaf, or the external body parts of a frog, bird, fish, or horse. These puzzles are normally found in the science area of a classroom.

However, I was looking for dinosaur puzzles, and there were very few options to choose from and even fewer that somewhat followed Montessori puzzles’ simple but brilliant design.

After many months of searching and not finding what I was looking for, I was inspired to see if I could create these puzzles myself.

With some fear of the unknown, but lots of determination, I enlisted the help of my dear and talented friend, Whitney Rader, who is an amazing artist and a former Montessori parent. We worked for a couple of months to develop the artwork that I thought would work best for the product.

After a final draft was done, I spent the best of a month looking for a manufacturer that could make the puzzles a reality and understood the Montessori Method. That turned out to make a world of a difference. Once I had found the right partner, we began the exciting but painstaking process of going through samples, trials, feedback, going back to the blackboard, more samples, more trials, and more feedback, time and time again, until we were able to come up with a product that would best serve a Montessori classroom as well as delight any dino-loving child.

During this time of trial and error, a six-yearold child in my classroom made a beautiful pin-poking work out of the Pink Tower. She carefully traced and created perforations along the lines by using a special pin to poke the paper for each square, then glued them all onto a large piece of white poster board. After she was done, she came up to me and said, “Ms. Faby, how do you write pink block?” She wrote ‘Pink Block’ next to each of the ten pink squares making sure she wrote the letter k in ‘pink’ on each of the ten pink squares. After she was done, she proudly showed me her beautiful work. I knew then that I had found the name for the online store I wanted to create for the dinosaur puzzles. And this was how Pink Block: Montessori Inspired Educational Materials was born.

The past six years have been an incredible journey, from becoming a Montessori parent to a Montessori guide to a small business owner.

Looking back, I am grateful for all those who have helped me in my endeavors. My children, who lovingly supported and encouraged me, the children in my classroom, who inspired and taught me every day, and my colleagues, family, and friends who were there to cheer me up and give me the feedback I needed to hear.

But most of all, I am grateful for a courageous woman who defied the stereotypes of her day and who, in her quest to heal and help others, learned to observe children, thus opening a window into a better way to go about the education of our children.

Thank you, Dr. Montessori! I encourage you all to pursue those things that seem impossible. Life has a way of serendipitously taking you where you need to be. Enjoy the ride! •

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Faby Denney has been a lead guide at Center Grove Montessori School over the past four years. She earned her Montessori Certificate from Center for Guided Montessori Studies in 2016.

Being a Montessori guide is more than a jobor even a career for her, it is a calling. Sheen joys music, reading and being with friends as well as finding new food to try. Besides her beautiful dinosaur puzzles she also workingon building a Spanish program for the elementary classroom at her school that will not only teach the language but expose the children to the many and varied cultures that speak it.

Faby currently lives in Indiana with her two daughters, who are both Montessori children. You can find more about her and her store at www.pinkblockmontessori.com. Or contact her at fabymooplus2@yahoo.com.

Traveling as a Family

Traveling as a Family

Over school holidays, many families choose to travel. They may visit family or to places that are new adventures for everyone.

Travelling can be stressful. Here are some tips to make any trip easier for the whole family.

First, Plan Together

– During a family meeting, discuss travel plans (the where, when, and how), the budget, and ask each person what they would like to do on your trip. Knowing your budget ahead of time can be helpful with what is planned and the expectations of the whole family.

– Plan for quality over quantity. Spending a whole vacation running from museum to museum can make everyone cranky and limit the memories of what was seen. Taking more time in one place can be more enjoyable for all.

– Make shared agreements before you go. Is it okay to be on screens while waiting for food to be brought to the table? When is it okay not to go out as a family, and what safety measures need to be taken? Discussing these as a family before you go can make things easier when you arrive.

Second, Consider Your Family Values and Trip Goals

– How do your family values affect this trip? Is your family excited to learn on this trip, or do you need a break in nature? How will your family stay true to your values and allow your values to help guide your trip?

– What are your goals for this trip? Are there places you want to see, or is spending time with the people more important than the sights? My son just made a trip to visit a friend from college before new work experiences took them thousands of miles apart. Although interesting sights were seen, spending time together was the most important, so walking his friend to the tram for work became a part of his visit.

– Consider what would make this trip feel complete for each person in your family. Maybe one person expects to do some shopping, and another expects to make cookies with Grandma. If they aren’t said aloud, they may not happen. Be sure to share requested ideas with all involved friends and family members. We like to consider our three top things to do. It is manageable for our family of four, and everyone feels their trip was worthwhile. Often our top three things to do overlap, and everything else feels extra.

Third, Plan for Safety

– Communication is key for safety in a new location. Make sure younger children know how to contact you if they get separated. With children who have their own phones, this is a perfect time for location sharing.

– Practice stop and freeze with younger children. We loved to play the freeze game when we were out. When there was a clear path, I would say “run,” and my children would run until I said, “stop.”

Our word choice was based on a game they played at school. Freeze, –, or any related word could be used. This game let them practice two things, running in appropriate places and connecting a pause with my voice. If something came up when they needed to stop and listen, it was not new and felt fun.

– Be clear about expected meeting spots when you are in a place you may get separated or choose to separate.

– Allow older children some safe time on their own. Can they stay in the train exhibit rather than going to the dress exhibit? Are they old enough to stay back while the adults go to a show, dinner, or an exhibit? A friend’s teens stayed back and watched Netflix while they went to the Renoir Museum. The teens were happy with the break from art museums, the adult was happy to explore the museum, and there was a plan that kept all safe and happy when they reconnected a few hours later. None would have been as happy if the teens had gone under duress, or the adult had skipped something they wanted to do (one of their top three choices).

Fourth, Keep Essentials in Mind

– Plan for downtime! Everyone needs some time to rest, and teens need time to reconnect with friends.

– Find some ways to have personal space. It may be as simple as not involving a reader in a conversation or allowing some time in nature. For introverts, especially, a little time apart helps the time together be more enjoyable.

– Realize that all the adults in your group are parenting partners and share your important parenting guidelines with them. This may be very difficult if you are visiting family. Try to have a gentle conversation about concerns before you go. “Mom, we are so excited to visit. Matt is feeling picky about eating right now, so we are encouraging a taste and leaving it at that. Sabrina loves the skirt you gave her and may wear it every day! We have decided just to make sure she is warm enough, and that is working out.” Sharing what is happening and how you manage can help you continue to address parenting issues consistently even as you travel.

– Maintain routines whenever possible. If your child usually goes to bed at 7:00 and you are sitting down in a restaurant at 7:00, your dinner, or your next day, may not be as calm as you like. Bedtimes, a type of snack, and a favorite toy can all encourage a feeling of safety and comfort, making all new opportunities more fun.

– Come prepared. Having a small firstaid kit (a blister can ruin a walking day), water, and an emergency snack can change the trajectory of your day.

– Communicate your family needs if you are traveling with or visiting other adults. Having the first grandchild can lead to adults who are used to later dinners and a child who wants to eat and go to bed. When Rebecca told all of the adults that her child needed to be sitting down at a restaurant by 6:15, she was able to encourage some afternoon quiet time, and dinners went smoothly, even if they were long.

Don’t forget to review your experience and share what everyone liked, thought was funny, or may not be comfortable trying again. These memories will be fun to share and make your next trip even better! •

Preparing a Montessori Art Environment at Home

Preparing a Montessori Art Environment at Home

Whether your child attends a Montessori school, or you are starting to homeschool using Montessori education, one area you should consider teaching is visual arts.

Art is an often-overlooked aspect of Montessori education today. Even traditional Montessori classrooms struggle with providing art literacy.

Teaching art lessons has a ton of benefits that go beyond beautiful art. There are some other important reasons to create an art space in your home and give art lessons regularly. For example, art:

  • Supports problem-solving skills
  • Develops gross- and fine-motor skills
  • Supports implicit memory
  • Increases spatial awareness
  • Helps children regulate stress

Setting up an art environment might seem overwhelming if you don’t know how to teach art.

Have you dreamed of your child creating beautiful artwork but have no idea where to get started? As a first step, I recommend deciding on a place for your Montessori homeschool art space environment.

The secret to a good art environment is creating a space for working, uninterrupted. Additionally, you will want a space that offers children the freedom to explore and express ideas. After all, if you give them a space to make art, they will create!

Before we go into my art space tips, here’s a little perspective: If you don’t have a shelf filled with books, you won’t raise readers. You won’t raise a writer if you don’t have pens, papers, or a dictionary handy. So, guess what? You won’t raise an artist when you don’t have an art space filled with art supplies!

Art Environment Features

As an art studio designer, art teacher, and homeschooler, I’ve had many opportunities to design different Montessori art spaces.

Here are the essential components I recommend for every Montessori home art environment include:

  • Table – All activities should take place on a flat surface.
  • Chair – Along with a sturdy table, children need a safe place to sit while working.
  • Floor covering – This saves your floors from spills!
  • Light source – For children to work with color, they need a good light source.
  • Storage – Art storage comes in many shapes and sizes, including baskets, jars, plastic bins, shelves, or an art closet.
  • Sink – The sink doesn’t need to be in the immediate art space, but it should be close and easily accessible. You might want to use a sink in a bathroom or kitchen; it’s needed to wash materials and hands.

Where should your family’s art space be?

Because an art space doesn’t need to be elaborate, you can set it up anywhere in your home. You can dedicate an entire room as an art space or choose a corner of your child’s bedroom, the family living room, the yard, the basement, or kitchen.

One of my dear homeschool-mom friends set up a simple desk for her children in her kitchen. I loved seeing what her daughter would create when I visited for tea!

My own children’s art spaces have transitioned throughout the years. They moved around to different spots in our home. Now, my daughter likes to draw and paint in her bedroom, alhough, when she was young, the kitchen table was where she liked to do art.

Before you unleash your little Picasso, be sure you and your child agree on the space where art will take place (the art environment). This is big! When I first started homeschooling, I was loose on this rule. Lots of messes spread around our home. Eventually, my children stained my nice couch with paint and markers. Soon after, I decided there was only one space where art making was allowed!

Planning a Montessori Homeschool Art Space Environment

Art space features to consider:

  • Where will the art space location stay?
  • Where will your child access their own art supplies?
  • Where will out-of-reach art supplies be stored?
  • Where will unfinished artworks be kept?
  • Where will artworks dry?
  • Which space will display current creations (home gallery)
  • Which sink will you allow your child to use to wash out paint, palettes, messy glue, and hands?

Designing an Art Space for Independence

You can support your child’s independence in the way the art space is prepared ahead of time. When planning this space, be sure it aligns with their level of fine-motor abilities.

Arrange and prepare art materials that are easy for your child to reach but not for any toddler siblings to reach.

Create a space with freedom of movement in mind. For children to become independent, there must be plenty of space to create freely.

Plan to demonstrate how the materials should be set up and put away.

Also, plan to show your child how the mediums work and how to use them respectfully.

I know when I have prepared an art space for independence, children can flow in and out of creative moments without me having to facilitate each activity.

For example, if I create a space for children to watercolor, I store materials in a handy way for them to gather, set up, and create. Eventually, they learn to set up and clean up without my assistance. Yes, I’m around for questions and new technique demonstrations, but my students feel like the space is an open, creative studio for creation when everything is initially set up for independence.

Art Materials and Supply Storage

Storage can get tricky, especially if your whole family is sharing a living space/workspace. Be sure you create a system to store art supplies children cannot access. Many art supplies can stain and be hazardous to younger siblings. It’s easy for little ones to grab paints and take them somewhere you don’t want stains. You can store smaller plastic bins in cabinets or larger bins in a garage.

Check out this free video on how to store art supplies. I give you my professional advice on my own storage system: bit.ly/3R6P8yC

I hope I have provided helpful tips and the information you need to set up your child’s athome art room space. •

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Spramani Elaun is an author and art curriculum developer from San Diego, California. She is a homeschooling mom and an art teacher with a science/art methodology. Her success is led by twenty years of observations and real-life practice of how children cognitively and sensorially process art. She is the founder of Nature of Art, an art school and art supply company, and the Art Teaching Blueprint Montessori Certification Training Program. Spramani holds degrees in graphic design, digital media design, visual communications, print media, and fine art. Learn more about homeschooling Montessori Art by reading her blogs, books and curriculum at Montessori-Art.com.

End the ”Good Job” Crisis with these 3 Secrets

End the ”Good Job” Crisis with these 3 Secrets

While I was having dinner at a local family restaurant the other night, I couldn’t help but observe two moms, clearly close friends, and their clan of five small children crammed into one booth. As the mothers sat and had a conversation, it was clear their attention was not on the children. One mom became frustrated when the three-year-old boy kept interrupting their conversation.

As I observed, I cringed at the words I heard, as if they were screeching nails on a chalkboard: “Girls, tell him he did a good job.”

When the girls did not respond to their mother’s request, she repeated it multiple times (screech, screech, screech!). The result was a frustrated mom, disinterested little girls, and possibly a “happy” three-year-old. Clearly, this was not the outcome the mother was hoping for, but, hey, at least he received a “good job,” and all was quiet again at the table. After all, that is what the mothers were seeking, right?

My mind started spinning with questions as I tried to enjoy my meal.

Why do we so often believe that children have to hear the phrase “good job?”

Why must we tell a child yearning for attention “good job” just to give him the instant gratification of hearing he did a good job when, in fact, maybe he didn’t do a good job?

What truly is a “good job?”Why does my opinion matter?

What is society coming to where children have to be praised just to shut them up?

We have a “Good Job Crisis!” So, what can we do to fix this problem? In my experience as a Montessori teacher, I have seen simple changes in language help children decide if they have done a good job intrinsically. These are the top three “secrets” that I put to use in my classroom and encourage both parents and other educators to do the same.

ASK QUESTIONS

“What do you think about your picture?” Find out how they feel about the art project, situation, or behavior. Adults so often shape children into what we think they should believe, when in reality, they truly are capable enough to decide for themselves if they feel successful. As parents, it may be tough to ignore the pestering child who wants instant gratification. Still, if we go back to the dinner disaster, a quick question could have easily enhanced the conversation, produced a more supportive outcome, and left the entire table less annoyed at being ordered around.

BE QUIET AND LET THEM EXPLAIN

Sometimes saying nothing can be crucial. This alternative can go in hand with asking a question and simply waiting for a response without passing judgment. Let the child explain. Whether it is their description of artwork or their reasoning behind a choice they made, let the child’s mind do the work and support their own success with a smile.

REPLACE “GOOD JOB” WITH OTHER WORDS

This won’t take on perfection the first time you try, or the second, or third for that matter. You must practice your language. Below are some examples of how to start changing your vocabulary today. Pay close attention to the verbiage and start applying them in your life.

REPLACE: “Great job cleaning your room today, Stella!”

WITH: “I like how you organized your shoes in your closet.”

OR: “I noticed you put your baby doll’s clothes back in the basket.”

REPLACE: “Good job mashing those potatoes; it must have been hard work.”

WITH: “Thank you for helping make dinner.”

OR: “I acknowledge you for making the mashed potatoes for dinner tonight.”

REPLACE: “You did a really good job on your science fair project!”

WITH: “What was your favorite part about your project?”

OR: “I see you put a lot of detail into your presentation board.”

If this all seems like a huge undertaking, you are right, it is! It’s not easy for many of us who have grown up as “praise junkies” to change our language to shape our children differently.

Now, I am not saying that all praise is bad because we are humans, and we all like to be recognized.

And while you practice these “secrets,” know that it won’t be easy, but it will be worth it! Children need to learn that they are doing it for themselves and not always for the gratification of others.

So, how are you going to put an end to the “Good Job Crisis?” I want to challenge you to start today with one simple phrase to replace “good job.” •

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 As the Director of Montessori Education and Development, Amanda Konopaska works with both the Area Superintendent and Academic Excellence Team for Choice Schools Associates. As an undergraduate, she earned her Bachelor of Science in Education from Wayne State University and a Masters in School Principalship with a concentration in Charter School Leadership from Central Michigan University. Additionally, she also holds an Elementary II Credential from the American Montessori Society and has had formal training for Elementary I. Amanda’s Montessori journey began in 2009, as an upper elementary classroom teacher and emerged into leadership where she took on both active and interim Principal roles fortwo Montessori academies. Currently, she is the program coordinator and trainer of our Montessori Experience for all new teacher sand works directly with instructional coaches at multiple academies. Amanda resides in Fowlerville, Michigan with her husband Carl and daughters, Stella, and Vivian.

Choosing Montessori-Friendly Books for Young Children

Choosing Montessori-Friendly Books for Young Children

—by Megan Gregorowski

Selecting books for a Montessori-inspired home environment can be somewhat daunting.

‘What makes a children’s book Montessori friendly?’ ‘How do we choose books that stay true to Montessori philosophy and engage our children in the real world?’

Here are some tips to follow when selecting Montessori-aligned books.

First, consider why having a home filled with books benefits even very young children’s development.

Books promote:

  • cognitive development
  • language skills
  • preparation for academic success
  • concentration
  • imagination
  • and creativity

Some tips on choosing Montessori-friendly children’s books:

Choose books based on reality. Montessori identified what she called the Absorbent Mind in the first plane of development, between birth to age six when children absorb information from the world around them. Children in this developmental phase benefit from learning about real things rather than fantasy. With a strong grounding in reality, knowledge and creativity flourish.

As Montessori said in her 1946 London Lectures, children “acquire knowledge through experience in the environment.”

It is only in the second plane of development, after the age of six, that children’s brains become capable of understanding fantasy.

So, select books showing the world around them: people, places, animals, and natural environments; the options are endless.

Choose books that are beautifully illustrated. Illustrations can ignite curiosity, enhance creativity, and provide opportunities for extended conversation-enhancing vocabulary and language development.

Illustrations should be realistic and based on the world. This does not mean illustrations have to be real. Drawings can be used, but ensure they are realistic. A fish should be shown with fins and not arms, for example.

Choose age-appropriate books. Books that are possibly too difficult or too easy may cause children to lose interest and discourage learning.

A book’s format is also important: does it have pull-out pages or flaps, and are they age-appropriate and practical? Ask yourself if your children can use them as intended.

And lastly, choose books that are related to your children’s interests. They are natural and curious learners with a great drive for independence.

By selecting books based on their interests, we honor our children by choosing books that support their learning and create interest and a deeper appreciation for the world around them.

Happy book browsing!

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Megan Gregorowski is a Montessori 3-6 Directress(MCI)(MCSA) and a recent psychology graduate. She ispassionate about challenging stereotypes in educationand brings her Montessori and psychology knowledgetogether to inform her teaching practice as an education supportteacher in a special-needs setting.

A debut children’s book author, Megan was inspired to writechildren’s books about the Montessori philosophy and classroomenvironment with her first Montessori-inspired series beingreleased in January 2023.

Megan lives on the Wild Coast of South Africa and loves adventureand being creative, when she’s not teaching or writing, she enjoysbaking, painting, or exploring her local beach with her husband,son, and dogs.

Follow Megan on Instagram @meg_gregorowski_author

BOOK REVIEWS: TC Nov 2022

BOOK REVIEWS: TC Nov 2022

Just Like Brothers

Written by Elizabeth Baguley

Illustrated by Aurélie Blanz

This is a charming book with gorgeous illustrations and interesting descriptive and rhyming verses. The story is about how sometimes groups teach their children to guard themselves against other groups without knowing, interacting, or understanding. They fear and sometimes hate each other when in fact, they might be able to live like brothers.

The author uses a human child and a wolf cub as the characters that are influenced by their mothers’ warnings about the other. Although it can be a metaphor for developing care and kindness for each other, in reality, the adults in these species can be dangerous when confronted with each other. What happens to our childhood innocence when we grow in fear and protection? Maybe this is really a book for adults, not children.

I would recommend this book for elementary-age children because, to me, it is more than just a storybook. It is a conversation about figuring out the difference between real danger and simply lack of understanding.

Be Who You Were Meant To Be

Written by Lauren Grabois Fischer

Illustrated by Devin Hunt

This children’s book encourages children to feel their own feelings, think their own thoughts, self-reflect, know themselves, be courageous, and accept others for who they are. The overall belief is that humans inherently know who they were meant to be when left unjudged and unconditionally loved. Within this book, the story is written in English and then repeated in Spanish – two books in one. The illustrations are colorful and fun. They depict children from many backgrounds.

At the end of the book, there are several pages with notes to parents, caregivers, and teachers with discussion questions and activities. This book would be appealing to three- to eight year-old children. It can be purchased at amazon.com and other book outlets.

Everyone Feels…

Written by Dr. Daniela Owen

Illustrated by Gülce Baycik

This series is written by an author who we have heard from before. Dr. Owen also wrote a series called Right Now. Some of you may remember and have read those books. Everyone Feels is a new series that can help children identify feelings, such as anger, sadness, and anxiety and give them strategies to cope with them in appropriate, healthy ways. Strategies include deep breathing, changing their thoughts, physical exercise, etc. In the past, children were taught to “stuff” certain feelings and pretend they didn’t exist. Fortunately for all of us, we now know that “stuffing” only leads to eventual explosions that can negatively impact the person with the feeling and others around them.

This series is very helpful for young children as they learn how to self-regulate and express themselves in ways that keep them emotionally safe and healthy. It would be a good addition to any home or school library for children three to ten years old. The books can be purchased online or at a local bookstore.

I Think I Can

Written by Karen S. Robbins

Illustrated by Rachael Brunson

Well, I read this book several times, and I think this could be an introduction to reading together (an adult and a child) The aardvark shows confidence in its abilities and potential, and the mouse is delighted.

There are two characters – the aardvark, played by an adult, and the mouse by a child. The aardvark’s words are printed in blue, and the child’s in black. Many of the child’s words are the same as the aardvark’s and the child just repeats them, often only changing the nouns. It ends with a song that they sing together to the tune of “Row, Row, Row Your Boat.” The illustrations are simple, clear, and fun.

This book could introduce reading together as just fun for young children and adults. It can be purchased at amazon.com.

Our Table

Written by Peter Reynolds

Violet’s family has become distracted by technology and no longer comes together at their table. The table actually shrinks and disappears, with only Violet noticing. Violet asks the members of her family, one by one and, utilizing the technology they enjoy, to help her build a new table. The whole family remembers the power of coming together to share at the family table.

This story, beautifully illustrated by Peter Reynolds and using color to help enhance the story, is a great one for the holidays. It is a wonderful reminder of the power and joy of spending time together IRL (in real life).

I would recommend this book to all families. Young elementary-age children will enjoy the details in the illustrations, and everyone will enjoy the message. The book is available at all major book retailers, and autographed copies can be ordered from www.thedotcentral.com.

The Little Book of Bees

Written by Hilary Kearney

Illustrated by Amy Holliday

I had the pleasure not long ago of visiting a botanical garden known for its orchids, and generously filled with many other kinds of flowering plants, etc. Whenever I go to places like that, I always visit their gift shop and purchase a book or two for the school, my grandson, or others who are near and dear to me. As usual, I found this wonderful book.

This Little Book of Bees is huge! It is full of very informative content and gorgeous illustrations! You and your child will probably learn so much more than you ever knew about bees. The story of bees is fascinating. Maybe you and your child will be inspired to learn even more about bees and maybe even inspired to do some things – small or large – to help bees in your backyard, your local community, or around the world to survive and thrive.

I highly recommend this book as an addition to your home or school library. Children from four to twelve years old will be intrigued by the wonder of bees! It can be purchased at botanical gardens, nature preserves, bookstores, and from Amazon.

Redirecting Children’s Behavior Effective Discipline for Creating Connection and Cooperation

Written by Kathryn J. Kvols

In early 1990, when our children were three and six years old, I met Kathryn Kvols. I was an experienced and skilled primary teacher in a Montessori classroom. I did exceedingly well at school with other people’s children. I listened to each child patiently and respectfully. I was kind, firm, and consistent. I cultivated a cooperative classroom community.

And yet, something disturbing happened when my children and I got into our car to go home. Suddenly, I became a very different person and did not treat my own children with the same respect and kindness I gave the children in my class. I was consistently in power struggles with my oldest child, and because that took up so much of my parenting time, my youngest became an attentionseeking child. My husband had no clue what to do with the children or me!

Without a doubt, we were struggling in our family life when I met Kathryn Kvols – a woman with a book, practices to cultivate connection and cooperation, and a belief in the goodness of humans.

I gladly took her course. I learned that the same principles I used in the classroom with other children also applied to my own children at home. What a novel idea! This woman, her book, and her practices transformed our home life.

I tell you this story because I am so excited that the 4th edition of Redirecting Children’s Behavior has been released this year. It has a new, more interesting look. The print and layout design are more inviting. It is loaded with real-life stories that illustrate the practices she espouses. Most important are the family-life-changing principles that she lays out in detail for her readers. They include cultivating growth mindsets within each family member, recognizing and managing emotions effectively, setting and keeping

clear expectations, developing skills that eliminate the need to punish or reward, resolving conflicts peacefully, and so much more.

This book will help you align your family life with the principles and practices used in your child’s, grandchild’s, niece’s, or nephew’s Montessori classroom. It is a must-read for families.

Tales of a Traveling Nurse: Is This My Home?

Written by Sheri Sturniolo

Illustrated by Shay Larby

Children at the elementary level will probably enjoy this book as they look at a career that is new to them, as it was for me: Tales of a Traveling Nurse. They will be able to follow her stops in several different states in the United States as she travels in her work as a pediatric nurse and, as she says, “an explorer.” The illustrations are full of color and images of the many experiences that she describes. The author uses rhyming to add interest to the text. This book comes in paperback, hardcover, and board book versions, as well as on Kindle. It can be purchased at amazon.com and other bookstores.

10 Ways We Can Show Respect to Our Child

10 Ways We Can Show Respect to Our Child

dad shows respect

by Simone Davies

One thing about the Montessori approach is how we show respect to the child. The most powerful way for us to teach our children how to respect others is for us to model it and for them to absorb it every day. Here are ten ways we can show respect to our child:

1. Soft hands—the way we handle them

2. Listen—stop and really listen to their words, their expressions, their face, and hands

3. Use kind words—even when setting a limit

4. Avoid baby talk—speak to them as we would to an adult

5. Let them know what we appreciate—give feedback: “You put all the blocks back in the basket ready for the next person!” (rather than empty praise such as “good job”)

6. Allow time (as much as possible)—for movement, for conversation, to walk at their pace

7. Include them in daily life – let them help contribute in family conversations and make (age-appropriate) choices

8. Find ways to work with them (“Can you help me carry this heavy box inside?”) rather than threaten, bribe, or punish them (“If you don’t come inside right now, I’ll…”)

9. Look them in the eye and accept them for who they are— we can teach skills, but it is not our job to change them

10. Let them see how capable they are—set things up for them to have success; provide hands-on learning opportunities that they can master by themselves

BONUS

Be a model of honesty to our child – even if it’s embarrassing at times, our vulnerability will show them that we trust them, and they will be honest with us and trust us. This can also mean apologizing when we get something wrong instead of blaming someone else. “I got it wrong. What I should have done is … What I should have said is…”

Does this mean children can do whatever they want?

This does not mean that the adult is not in charge. We will set a limit when needed. Not passive. Not aggressive. But in a respectfully assertive way.

• “I’m not going to let you keep hitting me. You need to sit down, and I’m going to calm down.”

• “I can’t let you hurt your friend. I’m going to sit here between you.”

• “That vase can break. I’m going to put it up here, and we can find something else to bang.”

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Simone Davies is the author of The Montessori Toddler and co-author of The Montessori Baby, comprehensive guides to raising toddlers and infants in a Montessori way. The books are based on her 15+ years’ experience working as an AMI Montessori teacher in Sydney and in Amsterdam. She also has a popular blog, instagram, and podcast The Montessori Notebook. She is also mother to two young adults. Simone currently runs parent-child Montessori classes in Amsterdam at her school Jacaranda Tree Montessori and is working on another book with Junnifa Uzodike, The Montessori Child for children from 3-12 years.

Finding Montessori helped her so much when raising her own children, and it’s now her passion to help other parents introduce these ideas intheir homes. She was looking to find a way to be with her kids that wasn’t about bossing, threatening, or bribing them. Or giving them free reineither. And she wanted them to have a positive experience of school, not just to pass tests, but to love learning.

Intentional Connections between Educators & Families

Intentional Connections between Educators & Families

child and adult

Every August and September a beautiful dance plays out in early childhood and toddler Montessori classrooms across the globe. Children and their families begin a new school year. Some children rush in with the confidence and energy of a bee gathering nectar. They flit from one thing to the next and can hardly wait to put their hands on the materials. The adults who brought them are left standing in the wake of the flurry of activity, wondering, perhaps, if they’ll be missed. More children enter slowly and cautiously, often with their arm wrapped around the leg of their beloved adult. They observe the environment with a timid curiosity but hold tightly to the security of the familiar as they shed some tears. Still, other children come to school each year with varieties of liveliness and inquisitiveness that is uniquely their own.

Similar performances occur in elementary and secondary Montessori schools. The bodies are bigger, and the demonstration of excitement and concern looks different than the behaviors of their younger counterparts. Yet, the freshness of a new school year greets children of all ages with new opportunities.

One thing all of these children have in common is, however, that they do not arrive alone. These children are the culmination of interactions with their environments, the expressions of their temperaments, the unique potentialities within their beings, and the people with whom they share their lives. Regardless of the configuration of the family, the kith and kin of the child arrive as well. They, too, bring their unique personalities, prior experiences with school, expectations, and knowledge of their child. They bring a mix of emotions of excitement for the child and sadness, as the child moves on to enlarge their circle of ‘others’. One of the most significant others is their child’s teacher and the relationship that, if prepared intentionally, can unfold between the child’s family and teacher.

Where does that relationship begin? It begins first with the intentions and ideas of the adults. Whenever we enter a relationship, the first occurrence in interaction occurs in our minds. What are our first impressions? How do we interpret those impressions? What previous experiences do we have with this person? How do we interpret those experiences? Truly, there are a myriad of answers to those questions, yet one thing remains consistent: We control only ourselves in the answers. We, teachers, and families, control the intentions!

In 2018, I had the privilege to write my first book, Intentional Connections: A Practical Guide to Parent Engagement in Early Childhood and Lower Elementary Classrooms, and present it to educator audiences, who were anxious to connect with the families of the children in their classrooms. One question continued to resurface from those listeners: “Do you have a companion book to share with parents?” It seemed evident to me that there was a need for a conversation between educators and parents. That dialogue seemed to be centered on the wisdom, experience, training, and understanding of children that educators implement daily to effectively serve children, as well as the deep love and commitment of a parent or caregiver for a child. Those very children are the ones who are delivered to schools and care settings by families who entrust the educational professionals to guide the skills that the child will use to transform themselves into citizens of the world, Dr. Montessori said, “Since we have the means to guide the child, it is clear that the formation of man is in our hands. We have the possibility to form citizens of the world and the study of the young child is fundamental to the peace and progress of humanity.” (Montessori, 2019, p. 93).

Truly, our goal is lofty and cannot (and should not) be left to chance. Preparation is foundational to all Montessorians, and relationships deserve that same preparation, because the “formation of (the hu)man is in our hands!” It is the vision of both the educator and parent to see that the child’s talents, skills, and ambitions are developed to their fullest potential. And you may ask,

How in the world do we get there? The answer is both simple and complex…Together…So, where does the conversation begin?

It begins with a word of gratitude. Thank you to the parents, families, guardians, and caregivers who share their children with educators in schools and educational settings around the globe, and to you, dear reader, for caring to build rapport with your child’s teacher enough to read this article. As a parent, your time is valuable, your demands are high, and your energies are divided among home, family, and daily work schedules.

Children don’t come with an instruction manual; there isn’t a “how-to” video that guarantees their or your success; there’s no device that creates more time or resources to share with them; and there is no article, meme, or post that answers all your questions.

This introduction is a collection of wisdom and suggestions gathered during 30+ years of working with children and parents and candid conversations with more than 100 educators in public, private, Montessori, and traditional educational and childcare settings. The nine topics contained herein are those subjects that the surveyed educators wished most to share with families.

1. Trust

Regardless of the adults’ experiences, sometimes we have to “just do it” and trust one another. It begins with a perception —an idea that only the individual can control. For those adults with positive school memories, the idea of trusting may come naturally. For others, the phrase, “It isn’t happening now,” may be helpful in separating your past experiences from your child’s current one. An intentional decision to trust a teacher is a powerful decision that benefits children’s experiences in school settings. It was also one of the most common, occurring reflections that teachers shared with me when this book was being researched.

How do teachers and parents develop trust in one another once the decision is made to do so? According to provisional psychologist (Australia) Heather Craig, building trust occurs through keeping your word, careful decision making, being consistent, and acknowledging that trust takes time to develop, being honest, admitting when you’re wrong, sharing your feelings, showing kindness, and being open for participation and communicating.

Wow! That is a lengthy menu of behaviors that lead to trust. So, maybe we can approach one thing at a time. How about we begin with kindness. My mother used to share folk advice that as a child I thought was “uncool,” of carrots is a “yes, please” serving, while a small serving of peas can be a “no, thank you” serving. Ultimately, the child is consuming vegetables and benefitting from the nutrients that they contain. The choice is simply a matter of serving size. Providing children with some degree of choice may eliminate struggles and, more importantly, encourage the child to exercise independence within a prepared environment that adults create.

5. Technology

Are we all guilty of distraction by devices? Yes, myself included. Emails demand our attention; questions are answered by search engines; games are rated by their addictiveness; and social media can entertain and make us feel connected and “liked”, however, young children develop their social skills by imitating the adults in their environments and through the experience of interacting with others. Nothing can replace human contact. Children are drawn to the human voice. Regardless of the addictive potential of any device, a child will not learn to beep and whistle like a video game, but they will learn by attending to the people in their lives. It’s an opportunity we really don’t want to miss.

6. Accountability

“She started it!” “He did it first!” “They made me do it!” These are some of the classic childhood deflections of responsibility for one’s own actions and reactions. Oddly, sometimes we hear these immature responses coming from adults as well — with slightly more sophisticated language, of course. Accountability means accepting the consequences for one’s behavior and has the word able as part of its root. It does NOT mean mistakes don’t happen. In many cases, learning occurs more powerfully when mistakes do happen. The tool to learn from mistakes involves the separation of judgment and shame from the error. For example, we can address the common childhood activity of spilling. I could go into a lengthy discussion about immature coordination and the environmental reasons for spillage, but that is outside this discussion! A child who feels shame about spilling cereal may blame someone else for the spill. This is an opportunity to tell the child that spills happen, and it is okay when they do. Adults can say, “We simply clean up the spill. May I show you how to use the dustpan and brush?”

The next time a spill occurs, and it will, the child will reach for the tools to remedy the overturned items. Please note that the child, not the adult, cleaned up the spill in the above scenario and took full responsibility for the actions, while learning how to use a dustpan and brush! The mistake is “no big deal” and can be corrected.

7. Discretion

My husband would remark, “little pitchers have big ears,” when our conversations were ones that we shouldn’t have had within earshot of our children, regardless of the topic. It’s an old-fashioned saying, but its meaning is still relevant today. Children adopt the attitudes of their homes and schools without intention and, sometimes without understanding. Political rhetoric provides a great example of the acquisition of ideas that children carry into schools from external sources. In recent history, debates concerning the character of political candidates have made their way into early childhood classrooms, as children passionately proclaim a candidate’s “goodness” or “badness” without any understanding of the complexity of political races or vast components of personality. These opinions are not a result of the study of political science but are a result of “the absorbent mind.”

Of course, disagreement is a natural component of a relationship. Just as any number of individuals can have multiple perspectives of a common occurrence, so, too, can parents and teachers have differing ideas about a child’s development, achievement, and behaviors. These differences can provide opportunities for greater understanding for both teachers and parents and can be for the benefit of the child. However, children that are exposed to these differences in ideas may conclude and generalize the very environments that mean the most to them, home, and school, and those who dwell there, as either “good” or “bad.” This oversimplification and conclusion could create an obstacle that influences a child’s attitude toward school, her abilities, and her trust.

8. Intellectual Development

Perhaps it seems odd that an article influenced by teachers and written by a teacher would reserve intellectual development for such a late entry into a conversation designed for parents. Most teachers enter the field of education to help children and parents with much more than the skills of reading, writing, and arithmetic. Dr. Montessori referred to education as “a help to life” (Montessori, 2018, p. 38), which implies a greater responsibility than the acquisition of skills. She also wrote, “The urge towards growth lies within the child himself; his intelligence and character will grow whatever we may do, but we can help or hinder the growth.” (Montessori, 2017, p. 48) She also went on to describe the environment in which children learn, “… there are always two factors, the human as well as the material one.” (Montessori, 2017 p.49)

She reminds us of adults, and especially you as parents and primary caregivers, are the most important teachers in a child’s life. When children are read to and see adults reading books, they develop a love of reading. When they hear, “I’m terrible at math,” they adopt those feelings as well. When they receive a written note in their lunchbox, inbox, or mailbox, they learn that the written word is a powerful tool that can build others up or devastate feelings. When we demonstrate kindness, they learn to express kindness. The human factor of a child’s surroundings cannot be underestimated. For the child in Montessori’s first plane of development (0-6 years of age), the absorbent mind is taking in impressions from the environment without filtration. An adult may ask themself, “Is this behavior/value/attitude/lesson what I wish to impart upon my child?” Wow! Our actions and words always provide lessons to children in all settings, not just at school. This is a huge responsibility and a wonderful privilege!!

Children don’t come with an instruction manual; there isn’t a “how-to” video that guarantees their (or your) success; there’s no device that creates more time or resources to share with them; and there is no article, meme, or post that answers all your questions.

9. Play

Dr. Montessori reminded us of the vast differences between the adult, who produces through work, and the child who is not concerned with the “purpose” of his activity, but in the “doing” of the activity. She referred to “playtime (as a) time of learning by practice and every plaything a tool for his work.” (Montessori, 2017, p. 45). These tremendous opportunities for growth occur when children are free to choose their play activity without scripted play themes, such as those that are generated by movies, games, video games, or books, but are generated by the child’s imagination and the stories she creates. The deep play ideas or schemes, however, take time for the child to develop and deserve uninterrupted opportunities for development, as all good stories and projects do. In a Montessori setting, this uninterrupted time is typically 2-3 hours in length and allows the child to become truly immersed in the activity without distraction. Perhaps, undisturbed play of this suggested length is a luxury that busy families cannot afford. Perhaps, children who haven’t experienced long periods of play will find it difficult to entertain themselves. However, just as stamina is developed through exercise, stamina is also developed through practice and opportunities to play, so start with shorter periods of play until a time of greater length is appropriate. Early childhood was formerly the period of play, but academic preschools and kindergartens, organized activities and sports, and intrusions in our homes in the form of streaming videos, television, and video games defraud children of the joy of boats made of cardboard boxes, forts constructed of blankets, fairy rings fabricated out of rocks in the yard.

This is not to say that children’s play should never be interrupted by the reality of scheduling, such as work, school, or social opportunities; instead, it is to suggest that children benefit from unscheduled and uninterrupted playtime, even if that unscheduled time must be planned and intentionally reserved for play. Perhaps, think of this gift of time as an appointment, much like soccer practice and music lessons, without a commute! You may find that the gift of scheduled play time for grown-ups may be beneficial for the adults who care for young children as well. After all, the joy of playtime has no age limit!

What are the odds of me?

What an amazing journey a child makes from conception to adulthood. The conditions had to be just right for cells to form and develop, for birth to occur, for development during childhood to take place, for survival from the trials of adulthood, for the presence of a life on a beautiful planet to occur, and for the individual to be an occurrence in a vast universe. It staggers the mind to consider, “What are the odds of me?” None of us got here alone. We were dependent upon the environments that surrounded us, including the people. In The 1946 Lectures, Montessori reminded us, “There is a vital force in every human being, which leads them to make evergreater efforts for the realization of individual potentialities. Our tendency is to realize them. Joy and interest will come when we can realize the potentialities that are within us.” Together, intentionally, we can realize our potential as educators, as parents, as children, and as humans.

For more information on these topics, please look for Intentional Connections: A Conversation for Parents from Educators coming from Parent Child Press, Fall 2022.

Or watch the nine-part guest educator and parent webinar series at www.facebook.com/ DorothyHarmanEducatorandAuthor with guests: Reagan Vanderplas; Jess Stanley; Donna May Tomboc; Jasmin Fiel-Samson; Jonathan Wolff; Stacey MacKinnon; Nancy Smith; Emily Kimm; Kim Boyd; Andrea Otte; Kitty Bravo; Katrina Dumar; Virginie Butin; Cassey Wesnofske; Cassi Mackey; Karen Lirange; Resa Steindel Brown; and Erin Urwin. •

REFERENCES

Craig, H. (2022, June 4). 10 ways to build trust in a relationship. PositivePsychology. com. Retrieved June 10, 2022, from https:// positivepsychology.com/build-trust/

Harman, D. (2018). Intentional connections: A practical guide to parent engagement in early childhood & lower elementary classrooms. Parent Child Press.

Montessori, M. (2019). Citizen of the world: key Montessori readings. Montessori-Pierson Publishing Company.

Montessori, M., & Haines, A. M. (2018). The 1946 London lectures. Montessori-Pierson Publishing Company.

Montessori, M., & Lillard, P. (2017). In Maria Montessori speaks to parents: A selection of articles. Montessori-Pierson Publishing Company.

Dorothy Harman is an AMS early childhood Montessori guide. She holds a BA in early childhood Education and a M. Ed in curriculum and Instruction with an Emphasis in Creative Arts. Dorothy Harman serves as a Montessori consultant and Adjunct Lecturer at the University of Nebraska-Kearney. She serves as a Field Consultant for the Center for Guided Montessori Studies and was a 2018 recipient of an AMS Peace Seed Grant. She is the author of Intentional Connections: A Practical Guide to Parent Engagement in Early Childhood and Lower Elementary Classrooms, published through Parent Child Press.

LET’S GET OUT OF THE WAY – DON’T OVER-PARENT; EMPOWER YOUR CHILDREN INSTEAD!

LET’S GET OUT OF THE WAY – DON’T OVER-PARENT; EMPOWER YOUR CHILDREN INSTEAD!

empower your children

By Paula Lillard Preschlack

Helicopter Interference

My college roommate visits me with her two teenage sons. She confides that she is worried that her 15-year-old isn’t working hard enough in school and “might be making poor choices about partying.” In our cabin kitchen, only moments later, I watch wide eyed while my friend takes the butter knife out of her son’s hand, pushes him aside, and says, “Here, let me make your sandwich. You have no idea what you’re doing.”

Have you ever seen this kind of interaction? Here’s a 15-year-old who isn’t allowed to make his own, albeit sub-par, sandwiches, but he’s expected to make responsible decisions about schoolwork and partying; and a parent, wanting nothing but the best for her son, who inserts herself into his attempt to make a sandwich, not seeing how doing so relates to his “poor choices.”

Many children are given the message — in small, seemingly benign ways — that they are not capable of making their own choices and developing independence. By not allowing children to try things and learn from their mistakes, we become obstacles to their growth. We become, according to the popular phrase, “helicopter parents.”

Helicopter parenting, a term coined by psychologists Jim Fay and Foster Cline in the 1990s, describes the too-common tendency to hover and interfere in children’s actions and decision making. As parents, we do this so regularly that most of us don’t even realize we’re doing it. Some may even feel as though something is amiss if we aren’t involved in our children’s business, because we see so many parents self-assuredly “hovering about.” For instance, a friend of mine recently dropped her daughter off at college and noticed that other parents set up their children’s bedrooms. She felt guilty driving away, even though her daughter told her she wanted to set up her own room. My friend had raised an independent young woman, but on that day, she wondered whether she was being a “neglectful” mother!

Collecting the Wisdom

In How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success, Julie Lythcott-Haims explains this phenomenon of unnecessary parental interference and ways to address it. While working as the dean of freshmen at Stanford University and raising her own children, Lythcott-Haims noticed the alarming “lack of purpose” many college-aged students reported feeling. She saw a causal link between overly involved parents, who made too many of their children’s decisions for them, and these college students, who were out of touch with their own desires, interests, and capabilities. Therefore, right when they should have been feeling the exhilaration of finally being out on their own, these young adults felt lost.

In The Gift of Failure, middle school teacher and parent Jessica Lahey shows how overprotective parents do everything in their power to keep their children from failing. Thus, they inadvertently take away their children’s opportunities to learn to solve their own problems. In her book, Lahey urges parents to allow their children’s little mistakes, such as forgetting homework or lunch money, to be the natural teaching moments that they are; when children are supported to think for themselves and adjust their behavior to improve their success, they learn that small failures are nothing to fear. In fact, this is how they naturally become independent.

In Grit: The Power of Passion and Perseverance, Angela Duckworth convinces us that when our children learn to get up again and again; after setbacks, they develop grit and determination. Duckworth’s anecdotes and research show that people succeed because of their perseverance and passion for their work, not because they were endowed with great gifts or had their paths smoothed over by hovering parents. It takes practice and experience to learn that hard work, struggle, and failures are all part of a successful journey. Therefore, it is important to allow our children to experience the natural ones that come their way.

Each of these authors agree that childhood is the time to practice making mistakes and solving small problems. The research is out there: Over-parenting cripple’s children, while supporting their independence leads to their success.

So if we have all this evidence and good advice, why is it so hard for us to follow it? We all want our children to grow up and become happily independent from us; no parent deliberately sabotages this process, and many are familiar with the messages in these books. But there may be a lack of practical advice on how to raise children to be independent, especially in this wave of helicoptering. Stepping aside to let our children learn from their experiences is counter to the parental mindset of our culture. We feel so responsible, we want to make sure our children succeed, and we care — though it’s hard to admit — what other people think. It isn’t easy to find the path to raising an independent child.

But the main issue, I believe, is that we approach parenting from an ingrained schooling model of “adult as teacher/director” and “child as learner/receiver.” This implies that helping children develop means directing them in their actions; however, the more an adult directs, the bigger an obstacle to a child’s independent thinking — and actions — he becomes. Therefore, another approach to education and parenting is both helpful and timely.

Finding an Approach that Works

As a parent and a teacher for more than twenty years, I’ve found the Montessori approach to be the most effective way to foster independence. This approach gives us both a framework for understanding child development and practical advice for supporting children from a very early age. Maria Montessori, who graduated from the University of Rome as a medical doctor in 1896, became accomplished in studies of anthropology, psychology, psychiatry, and philosophy. Montessori was a deep thinker; she studied the varied work of others and made astute observations of young children. Montessori noticed (with surprise) that children as young as three-years old were most attracted to learning the very skills that would serve them well, such as language and life skills. She found that when adults stood back — did not interfere or dominate — the children learned through their interactions with the environment, almost as if they were teaching themselves.

What made stepping aside possible for Montessori was her specially prepared school environment, which enabled children to learn through their own experiences. Her second ingredient was providing an adult who acted as a guide for the children rather than a lecturer or a director. Specifically, the teacher modeled how to work productively with Montessori-designed teaching materials within the boundaries of responsible behavior. As the students were supported to pursue their interests, they learned and became able to do far more than was expected, even by today’s standards. This happened repeatedly in Montessori’s observations and continues to happen in Montessori schools around the world today. The good news is parents can follow the basics of this approach at home by focusing on preparing the home environment for their children’s independence, showing them how to do things for themselves, and giving them freedom with boundaries of responsibility.

While working at Forest Bluff School in Lake Bluff, Illinois, I have been helping parents set up their homes to foster their children’s autonomy from infancy to adolescence. When I talk to parents about how to do this, I explain that it is a paradigm shift in our thinking. We need to shift our attention away from controlling and directing our children and onto preparing an environment that allows them to meet their own needs. This automatically changes the dynamics of the parent-child relationship. Children whose parents stay out of their way, wherever possible and appropriate, but who then model and provide the necessary boundaries and support, become far more confident and capable in every area of their lives.

Practical Advice: Start When They’re Young

To provide an environment that supports your children’s independence, begin by looking at the setup of your house. For example, let’s say you are the parent of a five-year-old and a three-year-old, wanting to start them on the path to making their own breakfasts. First, prepare a small pitcher of milk, roughly five inches tall, two bowls and spoons, and a small plastic container with two servings of cereal in it. Cut strawberries and leave them in a bowl with an adult-size spoon, which will act as a serving spoon to small hands. Set these items out on a low, child-sized table. Examine each item carefully to ensure that the children can manage them successfully; the table should come to their waist height, the plastic container should be soft enough to peel open easily, and everything should be sized to a child’s small hands.

The stage has been set. The low table is waiting for the children to come discover it, with all they need for breakfast. Your preparations say, “This action of getting breakfast can belong to you. You are allowed to do it. You can use these things and fulfill your own needs.” See what happens when your children enter the kitchen and find this little table prepared for them and, as necessary, help a little by showing them what to do. If you do this each morning, your children will get the hang of it and become increasingly independent.

Why does this work? Maria Montessori recognized that there is this innate spirit in very young children that makes them want (desperately) to do things, and this desire is what it means to be active, to feel useful, to be human. We are feeding that spirit when we prepare the environment and show children how to do things for themselves. The important point here is that our goal goes beyond cutting strawberries and getting breakfast. The development of a confident and thinking individual is the real goal. The activity of preparing one’s own breakfast is a means to reach that goal.

Children Grow by Their Own Efforts

Our children build and form themselves. It is not something that we do to them, but which they must do — and want to do — by their own efforts. This is the parenting mindset — the paradigm shift — that Montessori proposed with her approach. By getting ourselves out of the way, we encourage our children to have a direct relationship with the realities and consequences of their immediate surroundings. A natural process ensures that they learn through both the successes and mistakes they make along the way. Children raised with this approach learn to be responsible, make healthier choices for themselves, and are more confident, secure, and happy.

So, land your helicopters, parents, and put your energies into preparing the environment, modeling, and giving freedoms with responsible boundaries to your children. They can accomplish many things for themselves when we adults do our jobs and let them do theirs. Watch them take off! •

Paula Lillard Preschlack is a writer and a speaker. She has spent 25 years as a teacher and the head of school at Forest Bluff School. She is currently working on a book about Montessori education. Her work focuses on the principles and successes of the Montessori approach learned from over 25 years of teaching and observing children from birth to adulthood.

Paula is a graduate of Hampshire College and has a Master’s Degree in Education from Loyola University, Baltimore, MD. She is AMI certified for all Montessori age levels: Assistants to Infancy; Primary; and Elementary, and she audited the NAMTA/AMI Orientation to Adolescent Studies in 2018. Paula is married to Jim Preschlack and lives in Lake Forest with their son, Stanley (age 19), and daughter, Lillard (age 17).